Think! - 20 questions to battle thought terminating cliches.

created by google gemini

“Contentious debates aside, thought-terminating clichés also pervade our everyday conversations: Expressions like “It is what it is,” “Boys will be boys,” “Everything happens for a reason,” “It’s all God’s plan,” and certainly “Don’t think about it too hard” are all common examples.” Amanda Montell

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein

Sometimes, thinking can be painful. Life gets confusing and some of the old ways just don't work the way we thought they would. Rather than do the hard work of re-evaluating our assumptions, many of us turn to a secret weapon- thought terminating cliches.

Thought-terminating cliches are meant to stop cognitive dissonance in its tracks and bring the mind back to a comfortable, if wrong, status quo. They can be very soothing, but they also prevent us from making progress at the very times when our assumptions are being challenged, and progress is most possible.

In order to combat these thought squashers, it's important to recognize what they are and fight back with some reasonable questions that will keep the thought processes moving in a positive direction. Giving in to a cliche means that an opportunity for growth is lost. Sometimes that's okay when we're already overloaded with too many conflicts, but we must never forget opportunities for growth when they come up again and again.

Here are some of the worst offenders, and some questions that they bring up for further consideration.

1- Let's agree to disagree This is usually said at the end of an argument that is getting nowhere. "That's just your opinion" is another version of this. The problem arises when basic facts of reality come into dispute. This cliche can be helpful in preventing things from escalating and getting personal. But it never lets us find a common ground to build upon. How about responding with:

?Can we at least agree on something? This thing or that thing?

?How did this disagreement come about? Is there anything that can bring us closer?

2-"It is what it is" This is a lame excuse for just about any problem that seems unsolvable. Just accept the shitty circumstance and move on. In some cases, it makes sense to give up and move on, but why not ask:

?Why doesn't anyone do something about it?

?How did it get that way?

3- "Boys will be boys" As if being a male entitles one to behave in rude, crude, or harmful ways. It doesn't. This lame excuse is supposed to excuse excessive behaviors by men doing stupid things. Men are allowed to do stupid things that are harmless, as are women. This excuse may have worked in the past century, but hopefully we've evolved past that. Better to ask:

?Don't they realize that they are hurting someone? That's not in anyone's nature.

?Where were their parents growing up? Didn't they teach them any manners?

4- "It's all part of God's plan" This is a maddening cliche that's meant to excuse all sorts of disasters, wars, deaths, and illnesses. Nothing you can do about what happens- God has it all planned out. It takes all the thought and worry out of any situation and excuses almost anything. Whether one believes in God or not, it's hard to fathom a God who deliberately plans pain and suffering for those he/she supposedly loves. Even worse, it takes humans off the hook for situations that they themselves created. We all have some agency in our lives and responsibility to plan, act, and respond to the world as we see it. Fight this one by asking:

? How can we know if it's in God's plan or something that we need to fix ourselves?

? Are you sure about that? Why?

5-“We’ve always done it this way.” Another version of this is "if it's not broke, don't fix it." This assumes doing it this way has worked in the past, and will usually work in the future. Unfortunately, circumstances change and the old ways rarely work the same time after time. This is an institutional roadblock to new ideas, that can be a death knell in the face of new challenges. Why not ask:

?How about trying X and seeing if the results get better? You can always go back.

?What other ways might work just as well or better?

6- “This isn’t the time or place.” In other words, shut up and bring it up later. But sometimes later never comes, or by then memories and urgency have faded and routine has been re-established. Sometimes when things are freshly disturbed is the perfect time to start thinking about changes to be made. This reminds me of what is said after every mass casualty event involving guns. "Not now," is the cry, but later on, nothing ever happens.

? When is the time and place? Can you nail it down for me?

? Why not talk about it now while it's fresh on our minds?

7- “That’s above your/my pay grade.” Also known as the "not my job" cliche, it tries to stop all consideration of responsibility to fix a situation. Those at the top are easy to pass the buck downward, but this one passes the buck upwards to some mysterious "other" who may or may not be responsible. Instead, ask:

?Do I have any way to rectify this on my own?

?Who exactly should I bring this to should it get to be too big of a problem?

8- "Life is unfair" This is used to shut down any manner of disturbing thoughts when injustice and preferential treatment is observed. As if it makes it all okay. If you take this to heart, it kind of makes all of existence meaningless. Unfairness exists, so why fight it? Life may be unfair, but shouldn't we all be trying to improve that?

?In this instance, why are people willing to accept the unfairness of it all?

? How can we make life more fair?

9- "It could be worse" It can always be worse, and it can always be better. This philosophical cliche tries to put lipstick on a pig by looking at the positive. Mind you, I'm a big believer in looking at the positive, but this isn't exactly that. It's a double negative that this or that much worse thing hasn't happened yet. There's a better way to look at it.

?How could I make this better?

?How much control do I have in this situation? If none, then it's time for the philosophy.

10- "This too shall pass" Sure, all bad things eventually pass, but that doesn't mean don't learn from them. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is a related cliche. Bad times can be devastating to those who go through them. This cliche tries to stop unpleasant feelings from being expressed. It's better to acknowledge hurt and pain, and sit silently in compassion with the ones who are going through it. Better to ask:

? Is there anything I can do to help?

? How are you feeling about all this?

As humans, we don't like ambiguity, uncertainty, or pain, and we like to come up with catchy phrases that put a quick end to uncomfortable thoughts. Thought-terminating cliches are commonly used, and that repetitive familiarity makes them even more powerful. They feel like they could be true. And in some way they all have a nugget of truth in them.

But in preventing us from feeling, they prevent the healing that sadness and grief eventually provide. In preventing us from thinking, they rob us of opportunities to improve our lives and overcome obstacles. Sure, sometimes we need to quiet the torrent of thoughts that can disrupt our lives. But ignoring them completely just means that they will pop up more powerfully later on.

All this reminds me of the famous elephant rope story. A baby elephant was tied to a tree with a rope by it's keepers. Try as it might, it couldn't break free, so it stopped trying. Once the baby grew into an adult, it was easily strong enough to break the rope and get away. But it never tried, because that hadn't worked when it was younger. This is learned helplessness in action and prevented the elephant, a mighty creature, from overcoming a simple obstacle, a flimsy rope.

In a way, cliches are our rope that we use to make excuses for why life seems unfair or unsatisfying. They prevent us from thinking and feeling, often because they make other people uncomfortable if we think or feel too much. We are better than thought-terminating cliches. Recognize them and fight back with the right questions. A simple question, correctly worded, can point the way to unimagined progress in just about anything.