The Let Them Theory and why we drive ourselves crazy trying to control others.

The Let Them Theory

Mel Robbins 2025

“That’s one of my biggest takeaways from using the Let Them Theory: You will never be able to control what is happening around you. You will also never be able to control your emotional responses, because they are automatic—just like how your stress response turns on automatically. But you can always choose what you think, say, or do in response to other people, the world around you, or the emotions that are rising up inside of you. That’s the source of all your power.” Mel Robbins

We want to control things in our lives, but when it comes down to it, what can we truly hope to control? Over the many years of my life I've seen things that I can influence, but nothing that I can 100% control. Certainly not other people, who all annoyingly have minds of their own. (Not even my dog). But we all crave that feeling of control, because without it our lives can seem scary and directionless.

The idea of releasing control is at the heart of the biggest non-fiction book of the year- The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. Robbins is an author and podcaster and is best known for her other bestseller, The Five Second Rule. She has a devoted following, and tells her story of hitting bottom and rising again in middle age with her simple ideas.

The Let Them Theory isn't exactly new. Robbins packages it with stories from her own life as well as research from psychology that backs it up. We all have a picture in our heads about how things should be and how others should treat us, and it's almost impossible sometimes to let that go. The world can be a nasty and frightening place, and the only way to fight the pain seems to be putting up an exhausting and fruitless fight.

But while we can't control most things, we can still influence things, and Robbins points that out several times. It reminds me of the famous serenity prayer:

I tried getting this book from the library months ago, and the waiting list is huge, so I had to get it a different way. It's one of those books that's worthy of your bookshelf.

Here are a few tidbits that I gained from the book.

1- Aligned with Let Them is Let Me. The second half of the equation is where the true power lies. By giving up your power over others, you then get to detach from the situation and decide how you want to react. That might mean engaging again, or it might mean walking away. But it never means surrendering your power to someone else on how to think or feel about something.

2- Don't worry about what others think of you. This is a hard step that's preached everywhere. Since humans are a social creature, there are consequences when others disapprove. We all have to walk a fine line between our authentic selves and what we present to the outside world. By utilizing feedback and knowing thyself, the authenticity can win out more and more.

3- Life is stressful. Many of us are in a constant state of stress that is transforming our brains from useful thoughts to fearful actions (or inactions). For many it is ruining their health. The Let Them Theory allows everyone to chill out, sleep better, and enjoy life more if they take it to heart. This may be one reason the book is so popular, because stress is such a BIIIG problem today.

4- Making adult friends is hard but worth it. This is something I have struggled with myself. Making friends in school is fairly easy and there's a structure that keeps people together. Making friends at work is much rarer, which means adults have to be braver and put themselves out there to find those few that they click with. Robbins point to three pillars of friendship- timing, proximity, and energy. Ideally you should be able to hook up with those around your age who you regularly encounter and share interests and passions with. She tells the story of how she built a friend network in a new city, and it's inspiring. Basically you have to give up the fear of rejection and let potential friends do whatever they're going to do when you invite them. Some will come, many won't.

5- For the people already in your life, there's no way to shame, pressure, or lecture them on how to change something about themselves that bother you. Pressure to change always elicits a backfire effect, because people want to feel like they are in control. The only to influence change in those around you is to model the good behavior and ask open-ended questions to encourage them to examine why they are doing things that may be self-sabotaging. They will only change if they want to, and you can celebrate any improvements with them as needed.

Let Them and Let Me is a great way to look at managing the critical relationships in our lives. It gives us back some control over our own feelings and allows us to distance ourselves from toxic people or situations. While we all need each other for love and acceptance to be truly happy, there have to be guardrails to keep things honest and authentic.

Here is the author in her own words talking to Oprah.